How to Stop Eating Your Emotions
November 25, 2021
When working with clients or in my Accountability Club, or in enquiries I receive, the number one barrier to weight loss seems to be emotional eating. I have written about it before (see my blog from January 2021) but because it’s such a big problem for so many people I thought it was time to revisit it.
In doing the preparation I asked the audience (my free Facebook group) to tell me what their reasons were for emotional eating. In constructing the poll I brainstormed as many as reasons I could think of that we would want to eat, that don’t involve a normal level of hunger. People could also add their own.
Here are the results (bearing in mind each person could vote for as many as they liked).
Desire (it’s just nice) 11
Stress 9
Comfort/soothing 9
Sadness 8
Loneliness 5
Cravings 5
Because you’ve already gone off track 5
Celebration 4
Entertainment (eg watching film/drinking) 4
Habit 4
Distraction 3
Social 3
Anger 2
Procrastination 2
Extreme hunger 2
Self-loathing 1
Reward for exercise 1
What Emotional Eating is
Very simply, it’s eating as a response to an emotion as opposed to a physical need to eat. As you have seen above, it can be positive, such as in celebration or reward for something, or something negative where it is known as comfort eating, or it can be more neutral, such as boredom. I realise now in typing this that I managed to miss boredom off the list on the poll, but several other headings probably come close to it, such as distraction, or habit.
You can see from the list that actually the number one reason in this particular poll is something quite nice – desire. Food is nice, so we want to eat it. We are HARD WIRED to find food desirable, so that we want to eat it, in order to survive, so this is no surprise. So bearing that in mind, there may not be any more complicated reason behind our eating than that. But when there also some strong emotions present, like stress, or need for comfort perhaps from being upset, the temptation to eat, and overeat, can be incredibly strong. Little wonder then, that we have so much trouble with it.
It’s a common issue, and most of us do it from time to time, but it’s when it starts to affect our health, such as causing us to put on weight, or stopping us from losing it, that it can be a problem.
Eating gives us pleasure and so when we are eating emotionally, we use food as a distraction, or a reward, as a way of responding to whatever emotion has triggered it. But of course, the benefit is only temporary or even only fleeting.
When we emotionally eat, we often over-eat, and choose foods that give us the most pleasure – often foods that are high in a particular combination of sugar, fat and salt, and can be savoury or sweet.
This particular combination is known to draw us to eat more of it, because of the impact it has on our brain chemistry, which creates a desire for more, and because it’s not actually dealing with the problem, we’re not satisfied for long.
An interesting suggestion by Dr Michael Moseley, of 5:2 Diet and Fast 800 fame, is that the sugar and fat ratio of many foods closely resembles that of breast milk. If that is the case, it is no wonder that we crave or seek it. Furthermore, the ideal combination of sugar, fat and salt that makes us want more has been coined the ‘bliss point’.
Of course, when we’re done with our emotional eating event, even if it was a positive event, it can set off a whole load of negative emotions, including guilt, shame, anger, and disgust with ourselves for losing control, and the situation that led us to overeat hasn’t gone away, or has been replaced with a whole new set of negative emotions. The cycle can then start all over again, especially as we might well have gained weight, which only serves to make us feel more miserable. Then we often comfort eat some more.
It’s also a habit. A learned behaviour, something we do in a pattern. We are triggered by something, and we respond the same way every time as it’s our normal way of dealing with it.
But why do we do it? It makes no sense!
According to psychological theories and evidence, we make logical and rational decisions with the part of our brain known as the prefrontal cortex.
However, we also have a more primitive part of our brain, the limbic system, also known as the lizard brain, that is responsible for looking after our survival.
It is thought that these two parts of our brain are often in conflict when it comes to managing our behaviour. The limbic system is responsible for protecting us, and ensuring our survival, so it is very powerful, it does not behave logically, and often makes us overreact, as it initiates the ‘fright, flight or freeze’ response in us when we feel threatened, in order to protect us. It’s also responsible for our desire for food.
So when we find ourselves behaving in ways that are contrary to common sense, such as overeating when we want to be slim, it is most likely being driven by our limbic system, rather than our prefrontal cortex, as a means of protection, or trying to make us feel better.
As negative emotions make us feel uncomfortable and our limbic system wants to protect us and look after our survival, it is no surprise that if we like food we will reach for it when experiencing various emotions. So we will eat when we feel sad and need comforting, or are feeling stressed or worried. This then becomes a habit, one it is incredibly difficult to break. It might have started in childhood, when we were given sweets or treats when we had hurt ourselves or been upset by something.
Habits exist to enable us to be able to concentrate on other things, and from a biological perspective we shouldn’t need to concentrate on our food, so our eating behaviours can easily become habits, and indeed they do. Unfortunately we can’t get away with that in the food-laden society that we live in today. We HAVE to develop awareness and pay attention if we are to successfully manage our weight.
Of course, many cultures use food as a means to celebrate, and life events and family get-togethers often revolve around food and drink. Unfortunately for many of us, food and drink takes up far too large a role in our lives than is compatible with our health, so we need to find a way to manage this if we want to be healthy in the long term.
But the good news is, just being aware of this, and being aware of when our emotions are driving our behaviour, we can change it.
Knowledge is power, (as long as we use it!) so knowing this gives us back the power over our behaviour. Now, I’m not talking about people who have serious addictions and diagnosed eating disorders, or who have suffered trauma, and who need specialist help to overcome their unhelpful eating behaviours, but for those of us who have basically developed learned behaviours around food that have led us to become, and stay, overweight, this can be a very ground-breaking realisation.
There are some very helpful models and theories which can help us understand what’s going on. Two of my personal favourites are The Chimp Paradox model, by Professor Steve Peters, first published in 2012, and Transactional Analysis, which is an older but equally valid theory, first developed in the 1950s by psychiatrist Dr Eric Berne. They are not specifically about emotional eating, but can be applied very well to it, as well as many other areas of our lives. I particularly like them because they are simple and easy to apply and remember.
Both of these approaches consider that there are different parts of us, or states, that we are in when we think and behave, and that we can move ourselves between them to take control of our thoughts, our feelings and our behaviour.
Using The Chimp Paradox for Weight Loss
The Chimp Paradox considers the limbic system to be represented by the Chimp, and the pre-frontal cortex by the Human. There is a third element, the Computer, where information is stored and that both the Chimp and the Human use for reference when deciding how to behave. Professor Peters explains how we can tame our chimp so that it acts in ways that will benefit us rather than hinder us.
The ‘Paradox’ comes from the suggestion that it can be our best friend or our worst enemy. For example, by harnessing our emotions for positive things, like building a strong vision of what we want to achieve (such as what our lives will be like when we stop emotional eating and have lost weight) we can get it to work in our favour, and by restraining or reassuring it when it is causing us to over-react and act irrationally, we can prevent it from hindering us and stop it from being our worst enemy.
I used it to manage my own emotional eating and when I work with clients, I encourage them to buy the book, and to help them to get to know their chimp and understand what drives it, and teach them new skills to manage their chimp, and in doing so, transform their behaviour and therefore their lives. You can do it too, simply by buying and reading the book, and applying the learning.
If you want help implementing it, that’s what I do. I consider it to be absolutely fundamental in making the changes we need to make if we want to make the best of our lives.
Using Transactional Analysis for Weight Loss
With Transactional Analysis, there are different ego states, with the parent and child states being emotional, and the adult being the rational, logical one and it’s very helpful when considering the inner voice that we use when we talk to ourselves. I am presenting a extremely tiny portion of it here.
So if our internal voice is saying, “there there, have some cake, it will make you feel better’ that will be the ‘nurturing parent’ in control. If we say to ourselves, “well I’ve had one piece, I may as well have them all now” that will be the ‘petulant child’ in control.
If we have a voice in our heads telling us we’re useless and will never lose weight so we may as well not bother, that will be the critical parent.
If we just stop for a moment and examine what’s going on, we can move ourselves into the ‘adult’ state, and remind ourselves that actually the cake won’t really make us feel better, and actually having all the pieces will be of no benefit to us whatsoever.
In doing so, we can actually take back control and avoid it altogether, and choose an alternative, more beneficial course of action, such as a long soak in a hot bath.
We can also remind ourselves that we are NOT useless, we DO have control over our behaviour and we CAN lose weight.
Both these models are worth reading up on, to get more insight into your behaviour. See the links at the end of this blog.
How to recognise emotional eating
When you get the urge to eat, really pay attention to whether you are eating because you are physically hungry, or whether you are feeling something else, and have been triggered to eat by something that has happened or is in your environment, that has made you feel sad, happy, worried, or stressed and your typical response is to eat. Is it your Chimp sensing danger, and wanting to protect you?
Do you know what physical hunger feels like?
Do you know what emotional hunger feels like?
They can feel quite similar. If you struggle with this, then spend some time testing yourself in different situations and notice how you feel. Maybe keep a journal. Start to recognise the patterns of what happened, and what you did in response.
Or maybe you already know and are fully aware of when you eat emotionally but feel unable to stop yourself. Then see your 10 point plan in the next section.
One way to tell if you are physically or emotionally hungry is by examining what food you feel like eating. If you would eat almost anything, then it’s likely to be physical hunger. If you only fancy certain foods, foods that you ‘crave’, then it’s likely to be emotional.
What to do about it? Your 10 point plan
The good news is that because it is a learned behaviour, we can unlearn it! Here are 10 things you can do to tackle it.
- Understand what is going on inside your brain. Your limbic system (your Chimp!) is leading your response to the situation. Just knowing this can reduce its power over you. Read up on the resources I mentioned or find some others that resonate with you.
- Pay attention to what’s happening and understand your triggers. Before eating, ask yourself “what is going on around or inside of me that might be influencing my desire to eat“. Reassure your Chimp. A big one for me is when I am studying or working hard on something. I get the sudden urge to snack, as a distraction from making me have to do the hard work. I know now that it is because I feel threatened by it, and my limbic system (my Chimp) is trying to protect me from it. But just knowing that means I can take alternative action.
- Recognise that you have a choice of how you respond to emotions. Take back control by using your pre-frontal cortex (your Human). Count to 10, and rationally analyse what is going on, then make a decision about what you are going to do that is going to actually help you to deal with the situation without resorting to eating when you are not hungry.
- Recognise and continually remind yourself that eating is not the answer to whatever is going on. Put reminders up if you need to, in places that you will see them. On the fridge, on your phone screensaver, on your computer wallpaper, in your wallet or purse.
- Confront your limiting beliefs that you can’t stop yourself. That is something you (your critical parent ego state) have told yourself so often that you believe it. We ALL have choices about what we do. I tell myself that nothing or no one MAKES me put food in my mouth. I make the decision to do that. By becoming aware that we have choices we can take back power and control. Remember who’s in the driving seat and what it is that you REALLY want.
- Keep a journal to identify patterns between situations, emotions and eating behaviours, and record how you feel after you have emotionally eaten. Be clear about how unpleasant it has made you feel, and how it hasn’t helped the situation, so you can use this information when tempted to do it again.
- Find new ways of responding to the situation. Remember that feeling uncomfortable is not going to harm you, and it will eventually pass, whether you eat something or not. Think logically and rationally what can you do to address the situation that WILL actually really help. If you are worried, what can you do to constructively help you. If you are bored, think about what your options are, and what opportunities are there to do or try different things. Talk to people or search on the internet to get some ideas if you are stuck.
- Develop strategies to use as alternative behaviours when you feel the urge to eat in response to an emotion. Have them ready so that they can swing into action without too much thought, and they will develop as new habits. Managing your stress levels is crucial here. If stress is a big trigger for you, if you can reduce your stress you will most likely be able to reduce your emotional eating. Eating nutritious good quality food and making sure you are getting enough sleep can help with this, as can taking up a new hobby that fulfils, distracts and rewards both you and your Chimp. Chimps love rewards!
- Get some support to help you deal with the issues that are triggering you to eat emotionally – talk to your friends, family, GP, counselling, coaching, or support groups. There is so much available online at the moment.
- Don’t stop paying attention. Make that your new habit. It really can be the key to unlocking your self-control.
If you found this helpful and want to know what your next steps could be in learning to manage your emotional eating, why not take my quiz to find out more about what makes weight loss so difficult for you and what your next step could be. Add your details at the end to subscribe to my mailing list and get my Top 10 Tips Without Dieting for free.
If you need a bit more support why not check out my e-book, Preparing for Successful Weight Loss, where I cover all the things that need to be in place to lose weight and keep it off, and help you uncover what might be holding you back, and overcome it.
See these links for the resources for further reading that I mentioned:
Until next time….
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